Wednesday, May 21, 2008

How Terribly Un-American Are WE?

While I'm making supper and Nathan's sanding the new kitchen floor, there's a knock on the door. I don't recognize the man outside, but I let him in, thinking Nathan knows him.

Man: Talks fast and way too hyper- "Hiya, Kids! SO great to see you again! Really, really great to see you! Been a year and a half! You must be new here! So nice to see you! My name's Bill Blahblah! My Dad drives the truck, having his annual [air quotes] Spring Fling! Nice to see you! My Dad... yaddayadda... you probably know... blahblah"

Me: Looks at Nathan- ??!?

Nathan: !!??!??!!!?

Man: Blah blah blah blah!!! Blahblah! BLAH!!! Haahaahaa!

Nathan: Uh, what did you say your name was?

Man: Bill Somethingorother! Here's a $25 gift card... blahblah... meat.... blah..."

Me: Discreetly sneaks back inside to finish making supper, leaving Nathan to fend for himself.

A few minutes later, Nathan lets in a woman who smells like cigarette smoke and is wearing way too much blue eyeshadow and shlumpadinka sweats and jeans. She sets down a heavy box, opens it and starts talking a mile a minute-- "Hi, I'm Tina Yaddayadda and we're running a great deal- have you ever heard of Omaha Steaks? It's all Certified Black Angus beef... blahblah" She opens smaller boxes and piles them all over our floor, describing the contents, giant fancy steaks.

Nathan: Frequently interrupts to ask the weight of each cut. I can see that he's going into Fullest Economy Analysis, a state with which I am highly familiar, the rest of the world, however, is not.

Shlumpadinka Saleswoman: "So let me describe how this works. When you go to the grocery store, you buy what, maybe some ground beef and..."

Me: "Actually, I don't..."

SS: "Oh, so a butcher or whatever..."

Me: "Nooo... I really don't buy meat."

Nathan: "We really eat a lot of venison..."

Me: "rooster, rabbit... We pretty much eat whatever meat is available nearby or that we can raise ourselves."

SS: "Uh... WELL, these work out to only suchandsuch each and at the store you would pay--"

Nathan: "Katie, what's your grocery budget each month?"

Me: tells her my all-inclusive grocery budget

SS: Blinks. "Oookay, so of that you maybe spend what, 50 bucks on meat?"

Me: "Uh, no, not even that. I freeze and can meat that we use throughout the year. I might buy lunchmeat and pepperoni... Bacon and sausage from the Amish..."

Nathan: "Thanks for your time, but I really don't think this is in our budget."

SS: "Well, let me just tell you... This is guaranteed for a year in the freezer, blahblah, great meat better than what you're eating now"

Nathan: "Yeah, but we really can't buy it. I mean, to make this work, we have to make this last etc.etc..." launches into Fullest Economy Analysis Reasoning.

SS: "Yeah but...."

Nathan: "Did you see that goat out there? He's going to eat our grass for the summer instead of my mowing it and we're going to butcher him ourselves in the fall."

SS: Blinks hard. Mouth falls open. "Uhhhh... So you wouldn't even pay $148 for all this meat that would be good for a year??!?"

Nathan: "No."

SS: Quickly boxes up meat, huffs, growls, "Give me that gift card." Leaves in a huff.

Nathan, ever polite and sweet: "So have a nice day!"


I could hardly wait until she was out to start laughing. Then we laughed even harder when we saw them drive off in the direction of the Amish farms.

***Update-- several hours later***

Our Amish neighbor stopped by and we told him the story. He asked if it was a black pickup with a freezer on the back and we said it was. He said he was just coming out of the milk-house with the milk and saw the pickup turn in and then back up really fast and turn around. What caught his attention is the tires spinning in the gravel. He asked his son, Jacob if he saw who they were and Jacob said there was a man and a woman and they were laughing.

Must have figured out they came to the wrooong neighborhood.


  1. Oh yes that was reeeeally funny. I'm still laughing and I haven't even shown it to Dad yet. Every time I think about your last comment, driving off to the Amish farm, I start laughing all over again.!!!!

  2. Hey!! Those guys were HERE a couple weeks ago! Only when they found out we have a freezer full of beef, pork, chicken, they were also selling FISH. All kinds. Super deal. The guy even said that he HAD to sell it or HE would get charged (a "restocking fee") if he brought it back at the end of the day. Please lady, help me out here....

    I guess they ran out of encyclopedias. And vacuum cleaners.

  3. Yo, gimmicks like that are usually for hot items. Like the guy who tried to sell me speakers out the back of a chevy van once: "Dude, my boss ordered too many of these! I'm gonna get in trouble if I bring these damn things back, she told me to get rid of 'em. Look, they're BOSE!"

    You think the meat was jacked from somewhere?
    It's at least pretty low grade. Certified angus? Certified by who?