Friday, July 24, 2009

A Letter to the NRA

Dear Sir (Charleton Heston?), or Madam, as the case may be, since unfortunatlyMr. Heston was not the person who called me repeatedly about joining your honorable foundation;

I've wanted to write for some time to thank you for the hard work you do in upholding our right to wear t-shirts. Or, wait... was it something else? Oh yes, firearms. It is a great thing you do-- protecting our Declaration of Independence from Evildoers by Our Right to Step Out on the Porch With a Shotgun. My husband and I are now discussing the purchase of a small handgun which we will keep in an accessible location and which I will actually know how to use more comfortably than the above-mentioned Shotgun. You know, in case I need to Step Out on the Porch.

It was really a picture of customer service the way your minions persistently called us every Monday and Tuesday morning, along with Wednesdays and Saturday evenings for three and a half months, willing only to speak to my husband. Let's face it, he has a busy schedule and, well, I don't get to talk to him every time I want to, either. Alright, I admit that there were times when I did not answer the phone --modern caller-ID technology is quite something you know-- but I can be a little hormonal sometimes. I'm so sorry it took so long, but your doggedness paid off handsomely when I called him in from his work outside -- I don't remember exactly what it was, perhaps he was chopping wood or pouring concrete or working on his rifle range or slaughtering the bear he had just shot, again with the above-mentioned Shotgun-- and he duly accepted your generous offer of a one-year membership at your relatively reasonable one-year membership rate. Because we are all for gun rights and we want to do our part.

Your telephone sales person took down all the information quite accurately as I spoke to her about the details of my husband's (I'm sure you'll remember him-- he's the one you called for repeatedly?) membership. Given the exactitude, you might imagine my surprise when the membership package arrived with my name on it, rather than that of my husband-- the one who actually owns the guns. Now when They come to take away our guns, they'll know just who to ask for. Oh and hey, thanks so much for the big, imitation bullet with Theodore Roosevelt's actual signature on it. I'll always treasure it.

But far more exemplary than your customer service, is your capacity for, well, other services. I mean, really, where would I be without NRA-provided life insurance? Or what about low-interest loans and credit cards direct from all you generous people who own guns, just like me? Your reps are really on top of getting the word out there about your services and paid advertisements. Why, I'm pretty sure I can look forward to getting something in the mail from you folks at least three times each week, and that's not counting your monthly magazine, which I do thoroughly enjoy, as soon as I can find the content nestled in all those ads for concealed-carry holsters and canned buck-scent. Also, I find it admirable how well you keep up on renewal notices. In the three or four months that I've had this membership, I've noticed that there is no way I could forget to renew with all the reminders that are so kindly sent my way.

Anyway, I won't take up any more of your precious time which I know is well-spent finding more ways to support the United States Postal Service. I just wanted to send a note of thanks for all your dedication and hard work. Thank you!

I remain always,
A responsible gun-owner.


  1. Now that you have seen the true face of the NRA (and if you think that's bad, you should see how badly they botch gun legislation), I have three words for you: Gun Owners of America.

    (Ok. That's four words).

  2. I will be checking that out! Thanks!