I know I should be posting cute pictures, or telling you all about our trip to Minnesota (it was great! That is, if you don't count the disgusting and horrible eye infection I came down with as we pulled out of the driveway at 4:27 in the morning which plagued me the entire time we were gone.) but I can't seem to summon up the energy right now. However, I have a lot of things in my head, so I'm thinking I'll just put it out here. I realize that this sort of post is something of an insult to blogging which should be some kind of writing exercise in which I put down something clever or funny or thoughtful or meaningful. But right now all I seem to have are random thoughts and agitation.
I think what I'm missing most right now is my creativity. I have a need, a real, physical, emotional, psychological need for creativity. I feel the urge, I know what I want to be creative with, and yet, it's not there. And I miss it. Here it is, Advent, and I have many vague and unformed ideas for crafts and homemade gifts and a Christmas card and fun things to do with my children, and yet I... can't.
It's not just that I can't get much accomplished with a baby constantly attached to my, well, you know, though that certainly has some bearing on the situation. Perhaps it's the soul-crushing fatigue and sleep deprivation or the hormones addling my grew matter. Whatever it is, my focus and creativity have left the building.
Also, my hair is driving me crazy, I can't do a thing with it, so I think I'm gonna shave my head.
Oh, wait, hormones talking again. But it's all gonna fall out anyway, so I need to chop it, at least.
Focus? Me? What?
It's not just those creative pursuits that I'm lacking in, but also the creativity that daily household management entails. I cannot fulfill a need without neglecting another. I frustrate my poor husband with all the things I don't get to, my oldest child is resistant to everything that isn't his way (and I suspect this often has to do with getting my attention), and my toddler just cries when mommy pays attention to the baby instead of him and my baby cries when he isn't touching mommy.
While a newborn's needs are intense, they are fairly simple. Jonah, however, is showing me that as they get older, the needs get more complicated. And he's only 6. ("Just wait ten years." my parents say.) He and I clash so much these days. And then I just get so angry which I know is not fair to him. I should be thinking through these problems and coming up with solutions, but my powers of thought seem so feeble. I actually threatened him with school --the big, yellow bus kind-- today. Wow, that was classy.
So. Advent crafts? Ha. Christmas presents? Groan. A clever handmade Christmas greeting card with a cute new family photo tucked inside? Don't hold your breath. I can't even get thank-you notes written for the baby gifts and meals we've received from generous friends. Happy, well-adjusted children? Right now, even that seems pretty sketchy.
I know it's just baby-mush-brain. I know it will pass. I know I'll hit my stride again, someday. But then this image enters my head of myself as the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe, She Had so Many Children, She Didn't Know What to Do and I run screaming for the hills because I'm sure I'm just going to have babies forever and never be able to do anything ever again.
Oops, hormones talking again.
MaryP wrote a great post on perspective, About Balance, and I know she is right on. I keep reminding myself that this is just a season, and I think I'm doing a much better job of realizing that than I have in the past. When Jonah was a newborn, there were times when I would wonder what I had done to ruin my life this way. And then I would see the bright spots again, and then it got better, and better and better.
So I know someday it'll get better and my brain will come back I'll be able to make beautiful things and tasty things and think clearly and enjoy learning and inspire my children to learn.
It's only a season.