I THINK entirely too much.
I am going to outsmart everything that comes my way.
I am going to out-think every situation.
I am going to Figure It Out and plan accordingly.
Big things, little things, daily chores or major life events. Doesn't matter. I've got it all figured out.
I am a certifiable control freak.
I don't actually try to control what happens around me, but I always have the perfect plan in mind and arrange my environment to suit it.
Why don't I ever learn?
If this, then that. That is my thought process. About everything.
I have been told that I am an intelligent person.
Intelligence may well be highly over-rated.
Because there inevitably come along things that I can't solve with my mighty zen. And worse, sometimes I think I've got 'em licked. But then my impotence comes crashing down on me again.
Because I am not God.
Not that I actually want to be. I'd just like to boss Him around a little.
Which is... horrible.
"Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." (Psalm 100:3)
Huh. Out-think THAT, puny human.
I spend all this time praying and praying, trying to convince God that my plan is a really good one, and that's what He should do. I know just the thing, God! Here's how it is...
I don't even know how to get around my overactive brain. I don't even know HOW to just give it up, already.
I dutifully whisper, "Thy will be done..."
and then I shout
BUT I HAVE PLAN!
I can't get around it. I trap myself in it every single day.
Can't I just let God handle all the plans?
He has MUCH better eyesight that I do.
Can't I just sit back and be thankful for what I have and be cheerful in my work and joyful in my daily life?
That's what I forget about. Why do I always miss it?
I told Nathan the other day that I have my dream job. I do. It's really quite amazing. But why is all that potential for JOY so often just out of my grasp?
(If this stream-of-consciousness post has you completely lost, don't feel bad. I'm a little lost, myself. It's okay. I'm just... thinking. I probably shouldn't click that "publish post" button, but... well, sometimes I just have to get things out, so... here goes.)