I THINK entirely too much.
I am going to outsmart everything that comes my way.
I am going to out-think every situation.
I am going to Figure It Out and plan accordingly.
Big things, little things, daily chores or major life events. Doesn't matter. I've got it all figured out.
I am a certifiable control freak.
I don't actually try to control what happens around me, but I always have the perfect plan in mind and arrange my environment to suit it.
Why don't I ever learn?
If this, then that. That is my thought process. About everything.
I have been told that I am an intelligent person.
Intelligence may well be highly over-rated.
Because there inevitably come along things that I can't solve with my mighty zen. And worse, sometimes I think I've got 'em licked. But then my impotence comes crashing down on me again.
Because I am not God.
Not that I actually want to be. I'd just like to boss Him around a little.
Which is... horrible.
"Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." (Psalm 100:3)
Huh. Out-think THAT, puny human.
I spend all this time praying and praying, trying to convince God that my plan is a really good one, and that's what He should do. I know just the thing, God! Here's how it is...
Pfff.
I don't even know how to get around my overactive brain. I don't even know HOW to just give it up, already.
I dutifully whisper, "Thy will be done..."
and then I shout
BUT I HAVE PLAN!
Sigh.
I can't get around it. I trap myself in it every single day.
Can't I just let God handle all the plans?
He has MUCH better eyesight that I do.
Can't I just sit back and be thankful for what I have and be cheerful in my work and joyful in my daily life?
Joy.
That's what I forget about. Why do I always miss it?
I told Nathan the other day that I have my dream job. I do. It's really quite amazing. But why is all that potential for JOY so often just out of my grasp?
(If this stream-of-consciousness post has you completely lost, don't feel bad. I'm a little lost, myself. It's okay. I'm just... thinking. I probably shouldn't click that "publish post" button, but... well, sometimes I just have to get things out, so... here goes.)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
You are an amazing person. I am too afraid to put much in print as I fear it will come back and bite me. I am afraid people will see the real me. That is why I have a blog and have not written one thing in it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your bravery, Katie. It makes the miles so much shorter and always, always brings tears and laughter to my soul.
You are human. A pregnant human. I think pregnancy causes a person to feel the need to arrange and order things and at the same time makes them feel incapable and impotent. Which, really, is ironic!
ReplyDeleteAs I read that post it reminded me of those stories we read when we are kids. You know, the stories about the people that get their wishes and then those wishes end up being not as good as they thought it would be.
ReplyDeleteLike the story of the cloth maker, the woodcutter, and the house builder. They each got a wish, the cloth maker wanted to be able to pull something and it'll grow long, the woodcutter wanted to be able to hit something with his hand and it would brake, and the house builder wanted to be able to put something together and it would stay together. And so the cloth maker pulls his nose and accidentally makes his nose grow long, and the woodcutter laughed so hard that he slapped his knee and his knee fell off, and the house builder clapped his hands in glee and his hands stuck together.
And it was only cause they were near sighted, no far AND near sighted - like God. They didn't see the consequences of such wishes...
And that was my ramble for the day. ^_^
It's a sheep thing. We are the sheep those stinky dumb animals. We just have our little ways of wanting to think we can be the boss. I like to say it like this..God I know you are a good driver with this thing we call my life but how about if we make a left turn at this corner right here?
ReplyDeleteI so get you on this.
The really cool thing is so does God. What is man that you are mindful of him? He loves us ANYWAY. Don't lose your joy over being human.
God wants you to have that joy. I see it in your photos and all the things in your life that you celebrate.
There is another thing to consider. You are a very pregnant lady right now and sometimes these thoughts and feels are "nesting."
Getting ready to add to the family.
So how are your baby preparations going? Do you have plenty of baby stuff for a newborn? Some cute new baby things and little space for the little one to hopefully SLEEP?
nonsense. sin. repentance. peace. (not necessarily comfort or ease, but peace) LOVE YOU!
ReplyDelete